Time

My time is precious.

How am I spending it?

Am I spending it with people I love? Am I spending it doing things that I love? Am I wasting it? Do I deserve the time I have been given? Could I be passing my time more wisely?

These are questions that wake me up in the early hours of the morning.

I feel like I'm drifting at the moment, but isn't that just as valid a use of my time? In just... being?

I sometimes think I put far too much on my plate to distract myself from things that are important, thoughts that are important, and questions that I am running away from. I've tried to face the most important unresolved issues for me during 2011, and ended up sorting much of it out, but still ending up in exactly the same place as I started. I'm still trying to reconcile the outcome with the experience. And if that's not enough to drive one to solitude and introspection, I don't know what is.

I just don't have the mental energy right now to change anything in my life, or to take up anything new that looks like "the answer for now". I'm holding on tight to stability, and maybe that is the best use of my time right now. Why do I always feel like I have to be super productive, moving forward at a rate of knots, and achieving outcomes like that's all my worth is as a person?

Shit My Dad Says

I realise there is a very popular blog with this title, but I don't think they can lay sole claim over having a dad that says weird things. In fact, I think it's possibly a rite of passage for any man becoming a father where it becomes compulsory to adopt some weird and wonderful sayings that are trotted out again and again and again and again.

I will try to recall as many of my dad's overused sayings here.

1. When asked for money, says "I've gone deaf!"

2. If that's dinner I've had it!

3. What's for ice cream?

4. When asked to do anything, "I have to do everything!"

5. If complimented, will beam and say "I'm handsome, suave and debonair!"

6. If you crack a joke "You think you're funny don't you?" (emphasis on every second word)

7. If you say something smart "You think you're clever don't you?" (emphasis on every second word)

8. If I had some eggs, I could have eggs and bacon, if I had bacon

9. Never assume, it makes an ass out of u and me

That's all I can remember for now. I will ask my brothers and sister for their input, and update the blog. Stay tuned.

UPDATE:

10. If given money. "I'll just spend it on chips and lollies. The rest I'll waste"

I am enough

I was reading the Sunday papers this morning with my chocolate hot cross bun and double espresso, wondering why I didn't get up at 5am to get to cycle training, and beating myself up mentally about it...

Then I read something that helped me a lot.

It was an article in the Body and Soul section of the Telegraph, about an article on self esteem, and the link to love. There was a study done which found links from peoples' beliefs that they were intrinsically worthy of love, and how they felt about themselves. Or something.

Maybe I should go back down and grab the paper and re-read it, because I'm sure I have that wrong now.*

Anyways, the point of the article was that we should all just be thinking "I am enough". POOF! Instant cure.

I'mma gonna try it anyway.

"I am enough"

*UPDATE: It was in the SUN-Herald, S-Well section. "The Price of Shame". Excerpt: "Connecting with others is what gives life meaning but, according to Brown, for many of us our ability to connect with those around us is too often undermined by a sense of shame."

"After thousands of research interviews she was able to divide people into those who felt worthy of "love and belonging" and those whose shame made them feel unworthy."


"Those who felt worthy embraced their own vulnerability. The others, however, numb their vulnerability with drink, drugs, food and spending."


I am SO guilty of doing this, numbing my vulnerability with all of these things, so compassion towards self is the first step to getting closer to feeling worthy of love. This is so tied up with what I am doing for my body, it's not funny. I always thought my search for love and search for a better, healthier, body were two different things, despite my family and friends pointing out that as soon as I mastered one, the other would follow suit.


So, being enough, is that enough to get me up earlier and get to my early morning sessions where I need to be self-directing rather than having an appointment with a trainer who yells at me if I cancel? I think that's the key!

Focusing on the positive

I just dipped into an online newspaper, something I used to do a lot of. Not so much anymore, and I realise why.

The headlines are universally depressing. A homeless woman found dead up a tree, shootings in Sydney, body dis-morphia, rising rates of depression in youth, people protesting same-sex anything, immigrants, refugees, kids killing kids, suicide threat of XBox workers in Japan, divorce, relationship breakdowns, celebrity marriages and breakups, credit card debt..... crap crap crap... the list goes on!

I want to truly connect with my inner peace on a daily basis this year. I think I will ditch reading "news" and focus on the good sources of inspiration and joy. I read The Daily Love every day now, an inspiring blog about the journey into your own spirit. I also get daily digests from The Daily Om, another inspiring site that always seems relevant to my life.

In the spirit of not pursuing anything to do with romantic relationships this year, I have unsubscribed from anything to do with "singles, dating and partnerships" and I have vowed to stop reading SMH relationship blogs and Life&Style section which usually leave me feeling more confused and lost than before.

If you have a daily dose of inspiration that you would like to share, please leave a link in the comments. I'd love to build up my repertoire of wholesome, nurturing go-to places for when I need a soul boost.

Backburning of the soul

In the winter months our fearless firies do much-needed backburning of dry leaves and undergrowth that can become fuel for our raging bushfires during our summer months.

It can be painful and cause smoke and people complain, but it is for the greater good.

After a painful month of introspection and introversion, I've decided to declare 2012 as my relationship winter, where I can focus on the dead wood, undergrowth and dry leaves of worry and cares that I seem to have kept carrying around without noticing.

I know I have been here before, and said this before, but this time I am deadly serious. 12 months off from all relationship worries, advice, seeking, searching and cares. 2012 is my year of backburning which will prepare me for a summer of love with no fuel available to foster the out-of-control fire that seems to destroy my past attempts at relationships.

I have all the tools and all the awareness I need, I am not going to search any further for guidance. Meditation, fostering inner peace, doing exercise, healthful living and focus on self-love should do the trick.

Hello darkness my old friend

Okay, confession time. I'm not having a great time. In fact, I'm feeling very very down and have been since the end of November. I'm coming to grips with a loss that is hard to come to grips with, and I have the feeling it will be this way for a very long time.

But I should know by now that nothing lasts forever, even feeling bad.

So I am trying, in my own way, to cope with these feelings. I get my Pollyanna on. I get positive, I become my own cheerleader. I try to look for the positive, I try to look for the love where I haven't noticed it before, because it feels like I've lost it. It's always this way, when this happens.

I am hoping that at some stage the "fake it till you make it" will work and I will start feeling genuinely joyful again.

I've been here so many times before it's almost a well-worn rug now. I know every threadbare trail where I have plodded up and down, up and down, processing and thinking.

My problem is that I have genuinely tried everything before, to get myself back to "what makes me happy". I joined a Gospel Choir, I have done improv comedy, stand up comedy, I tried music, going to live gigs, I hang out with family and friends, I've tried solitude and meditation, I've tried kinesiology to unwrap emotions, I have done psychic spiritual development, I've written blogs, read other peoples' blogs, I've thrown myself into various jobs, I've seen a life coach.... now I'm training like a mofo and throwing myself into the healthy living option (choose life!).

I honestly can't see what will get me through this dark patch. I'm restless, wondering, and the only cure for what ails me is the problem itself. A bit like a nicotine addiction.

I thought I would feel a lot better than I do by now.

What the *bleep* is wrong with me?

Finding the strawberry

Some years ago I got a great piece of advice that is meant to be used when life seems so dark and bleak that you struggle to find any good in it. I really liked the concept, it's called "finding the strawberry in each day".

That is, the one thing that stands out as a bright point. It could be that even if it's a monumentally hot day (like today) at least it's not raining! The sun is shining!

In other words, finding the good side to every situation.

My strawberry came when I collected a parcel from the Post Office for a friend. I had paid for 10 minutes of parking, thinking I would only be in and out in a jiffy. The collection took 20 minutes, as the staff were looking under the firstname rather than surname. I got increasingly frustrated and impatient. Parking inspectors in this area are ruthless, and I had already gone 10 minutes outside my parking ticket time! Hopping from one foot to the other, I started worrying whether I had even locked the car! Do you also find that once something goes wrong, your mind can invent another 78 other things going wrong (imagined or real)? So then I imagined not only getting a parking ticket, but the very next minute thieves taking off with the car. Worse, it's not even my car! Is it insured for theft? What about when the silly person who borrows the car forgets to lock it, does that invalidate the insurance? Oh my god, how can I afford to replace the stolen uninsured car (which also happens to be a Mercedes Compressor CLC.... very expensive!)

The package was found.

The car was there.

Locked.

No ticket.

Thank you for my strawberry :)

Self-love and finances

In keeping with my NY Resolution, this year I am looking for the love in every day. How I can show it, or feel it.

Today I showed myself love by deleting someone's contact details from my phone and backups that had become an obsession for me. This relationship** has been costing me a lot both financially and emotionally and what started out bringing clarity to my life has ended up being a source of confusion and doubt.

Time to go. I have finally let go of this crutch, and although it's scary, I have found deeper strength and faith in my own counsel.

Lesson for the day: what will be, will be. Don't push it, don't seek answers when you already have them, and learn to trust that inner voice that says "you already know".

**UPDATE: I've had people ask a few times, so I will clarify. No, this was not a romantic relationship. It was someone I got counselling/advice from. Sometimes you just need to trust in your own inner wisdom.

Love, love, love

Be the Change you wish to see in the world ~ Mahatma Ghandi

Welcome 2012!

I have not made any resolutions this year that involve an action, goal or purpose. Instead I resolve to be the Change I wish to see in the world. 

I wish to see Love. I wish to see others loving themselves more wholly. I wish to see people being kind, considerate, compassionate and above all more loving towards each other.

So I am starting with myself. I resolve to love myself more wholly. I wish to extend that self-love to others and to create more love in my life and in the lives of those that I encounter. I wish to embody love, live it, breathe it, inhale and exhale it, learn from it, grow from it and bloom from the love that will emanate from my every pore.

Whether that be in my relationships, the way I treat my body, myself, my spirit and my mind, this can only lead to growth and happiness.

I have made mistakes. We all have. I absolve myself and others of mistakes. I do not judge myself or others. I look through a lens of love and see that pain is only a way of telling me where I need to focus my attention. This year, I need to focus it 100% on my heart.

Happy New Year, I hope very much to see each and every one of you realise your dreams and fulfil your desires.

Love Natasha.